Once upon a time, there is a dude who lived at home with his mom and his pet cat. The dude went on a vacation trip to Mexico. Before he left he told him best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after, his cat climed up on the roof, fell off and died. His best friend immediately wired him the message, "Dude, your cat died."
In a few days he was back at home. The dude was angry at his friend for cutting short his trip.
"Why did not you break the news to me graudually? You know how close I was to my cat! You should let me know my cat climbed up on the roof today. The day after you can tell me that My cat fell of the roof, and slowly let me know he died," said the dude.
After the memorial service, the dude left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel, and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. The message said, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
Nice Birdy
Cat Burger
Friday Night of A Bachelor Cat
Bum Cat !!!
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A lizard casually climbs up a tree in the jungle one day and find monkey sitting on a branch, smokking weed. Lizard pesters him for some, but the monkey keeps saying, " No, you are lightweight, it will go right up to your head."
Eventually, Monkey gives Lizard some weed. Lizard starts smoking the weed, and fels a bit thristy. So he goes down to lake to get some water.
While the lizard drinks water at the lake, he see Alligator who notices that he seems a bit high. Lizard tells Alligator he has been smoking some weed with the Monkey up on the tree. So Alligator goes up to Monkey to ask if he can have some.
So as Monkey's sitting there, high as a kite, waiting for Lizard to get back, he sees Alligator climb up onto the branch.
"Bloody hell!" yells Monkey, "How much freakin' water did you drink?"
As the thumb touches all four fingers, so praise should permeate my whole prayer life.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the
woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had anaccident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the Nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes >out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish.” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Puff! She’s gone.“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Puff! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate… Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you’re in deep sh!t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
The woodpecker might have to go!
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
NOW, wasn't that nice?
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally the other man said: "You think you have family problems?
Listen up to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a step-daughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my step daughter my stepmother.
And my father became my stepson.
Also my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half brother because he was my father's son.
But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half sister of my son, my stepmother, is also his grandmother.
This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife.
I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew
and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!!!!!!!!!!
And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS???
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as though just as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.
The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
Which are you?" she asked her daughter.
"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so in the end your smile will uplift those who are crying.
You might want to send this message to those people who mean something to you (I JUST DID); to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life.
It's easier to build a child than to repair an adult…
This is so true - May we all be COFFEE…
PEACH TIGHTENING MASK
1 Peach, ripe, peeled, pitted
1 Egg white
Whip the peach and egg white together in a blender until smooth. Gently pat the mixture all over your face. Relax for 30 minutes, then rinse it off with cool water.
APPLE MASK FOR NORMAL SKIN
1 Apple, cored & quartered
2 T Honey
Drop the apple pieces into a food processor and chop. Add honey and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Pat the mixture onto your face with a light tapping motion, tapping until the honey feels tacky. Leave it on for 30 minutes and then rinse.
CUCUMBER MASK FOR OILY SKIN
1/2 Cucumber
1 Egg white
1 T Lemon juice
1 tsp mint
Puree everything and refrigerate for 10 minutes. Apply the mixture to your face and leave it on for 15 minutes. Rinse with warm, then cool water.
STRAWBERRY DRAWING MASK
1/2 c Strawberries, very ripe
1/4 c Cornstarch
Mix strawberries and cornstarch together to make a paste and apply it to your face, avoiding the delicate area around your eyes. Leave it on for 30 minutes and then rinse it off with cool water.
CITRUS FRESHNER
2 cups boiling water
1 vitamin C (a preservative)
Lemon peel (zest) from 2 lemons
Dissolve the vitamin in water. In a glass bowl put the lemon zest and pour the water over them. Let it sit over night. Remove the zest and put in a spray bottle. You can use any type of citrus peel.
BLEMISHED SKIN MASK
1 Tomato, ripe, chopped
1 tsp Lemon juice
1 T Instant style oatmeal or old-fashioned rolled oats
Blend everything until just combined. Apply to skin, making sure the mixture is thick enough to stay on blemished areas: cheeks, forehead, or chin. If necessary, add a bit more oatmeal to thicken the mask. Leave it on for 10 minutes, then scrub it off with a clean washcloth dipped in warm water.
A Personal Injury Lawyer went to a store that sells brains.
He wanted to check a personal hypothesis. After reading a sign in the store regarding the quality of brains offered, he decides to inquire the prices of the different brains available.
"How much does a doctor's brain cost?" He asks the butcher.
"Five dollars the kilo."
"How about a waitress's brain?"
"Three bucks the kilo."
"And for a personal Injury lawyer's brain?"
"$1,000 dollars the kilo."
"Why so much?" Asks the confused lawyer.
"Well, you have no idea how many personal injuries we've had to kill to put together one kilo."
How Immigration Lawyers Do it…
Immigration Lawyers do it with taste.
Immigration Lawyers do it with high self-esteem.
Immigration Lawyers do it to get to the trial.
Immigration Lawyers do it for justice's sake.
Immigration Lawyers do it for however long there is money behind the deal.
Immigration Lawyers do it for as long as it's legal.
Satan visited a lawyer.
Satan visited a lawyer. He was interested in making him a special lawyers' offer. "If you're willing to give me one major thing, I can arrange a very special deal for you. I can multiply your income by five or even six. This way, everybody will adore you, look up to you, respect you. You'll be able to take as much vacation as you wish. Nobody will ever call you a lying, cheating lawyer ever again."
"And what do you need in return?" Asked the eager lawyer.
"In return I need your wife's soul, as well as your children's and their children's. Their souls must prevail in hell for ever and ever."
After pausing a moment, the lawyer asked, confused, "What's the catch?"
Criminal Attorney Question
What is a Criminal Attorney? Redundancy.
Tax Attorneys in Accidents
Did you hear about the Tax Attorney who was involved in a terrible accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Personal injury attorneys to change a light bulb
How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake the ladder and make sure the first one falls, and the third to sue the light bulb company. The first personal injury attorney will then make sure to sue the ladder company, as well.
Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.
"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.
Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."
"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."
Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"
The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what… I got condom!!!"
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
A Princeton University study has confirmed that the link between money and happiness is exaggerated and an illusion.
The researchers, which included Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman, examined a range of data and foud that the effect of money on mood was greatly exaggerated (i.e. bucketloads of cash won't make you happier) and was only weakly correlated with moment to moment happiness.
Which, as the study claims, raises the question of why people are so focused on getting rich and whether we have our priorities around the wrong way. As the researchers say:
"Despite the weak relationship between income and global life satisfaction or experienced happiness, many people are highly motivated to increase their income.
"In some cases, this focusing illusion may lead to a misallocation of time, from accepting lengthy commutes (which are among the worst moments of the day) to sacrificing time spent socializing (which are among the best moments of the day)."
The study adds to the mix of research confirming that link between money and happiness is dodgy. But the picture is more complicated than that.
In his book Happiness, economist Richard Layard argues that happiness is the big conundrum of the last 50 years. Average incomes have more than doubled in that period and we have more food and cars, bigger houses, central heating, better health, a shorter working week and overseas holidays.But people are no happier.
The picture gets even more complicated when you compare countries. Population surveys show that among Western industrial nations, the richer states are no happier than the poorer ones. But in the places where people are closer to the breadline, folk are downright miserable.
So are we too hooked on making money? How much is too much? Or is it like what Woody Allen once said: "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
Pat and Sheena Wheaton said they decided to name their new baby "4real" shortly after having an ultrasound and being struck by the reality of his impending arrival.
"For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a babies book and … there's no direct link between the meaning and the name," Pat Wheaton told TV One on Wednesday. "With this name, everyone knows what it means."
But when the parents filed the name with New Zealand's Registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages, they were told names beginning with a number were against the rules.
The government office has opened negotiations with the parents about the name under a policy that says all unusual names must be given case-by-case consideration.
"The name has not at this stage been rejected," Registrar-General Brian Clarke said in a statement Thursday. "We are currently in discussions with the parents … to clarify the situation."
Clarke said the rules are designed to prevent names that are "likely to cause offense to a reasonable person." Satan and Adolf Hitler were proposed names that have been declined, he said.
If no compromise has been reached by July 9, the baby will be registered as "real," officials say.
New Zealand law requires all children born in the South Pacific nation to be registered with the Births, Deaths and Marriages registry within two months of birth.
